then I started spotting, which turned into bleeding and 3 days later ended with an U/S where the tech could find no evidence of a baby or a pregnancy at all. I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum and a week later my hCG levels were next to zero.It was a week before Reid's first birthday/anniversary and really the timing couldn't have been worse, but I got through it, mostly by deciding that since it was a blighted ovum there was never really a baby there to lose. (I know this is not the way that many other BLM's would feel about it but it's what I had to do to cope.) I still look at the calendar and think about just how far along I could have been by now.
In light of my chosen coping mechanism, I decided I would essential just restart this blog, but I wanted to keep the posts from March when I had that little spark of hope.
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March 16, 2011
So in a couple hours I will officially be 5 weeks pregnant. I have spent the last 10+ months wishing to be in this position but now that I am, I am confused. I am thrilled to be pregnant and not have to "try" anymore (please let this stick so we don't have to try anymore), but I don't know what I am supposed to do now. I thought I would feel different once I was pregnant, braver, stronger, more like the old me, but its not happening so far.
I thought I would be shouting this news from the rooftops the second the test was positive but so far I have only told one on-line friend and the doctor's office. Part of me doesn't want to tell people until after Reid's 1st birthday because I don't me being pregnant to overshadow his day. I know I wouldn't be pregnant if Reid was alive, but it feels to me that because we had to try for so long that this pregnancy has nothing to do with Reid. They are completely separate, as they would be if I had three living children and the middle one died. Having another baby doesn't make Reid's first birthday any less painful or deserving of some kind of recognition.
So far I have felt wretchedly nauseous and perfectly normal. When I feel sick, I worry that there is something wrong with this pregnancy that is making me sicker than normal. When I feel fine, I worry that something has happened to this baby and I am no longer pregnant. It's been 3 days since the second line appeared and I am pretty sure that I will be completely insane by day 37 at this rate, never mind the 230 odd days the tickers estimate I have left to go.
Hold on in there Thing 3, I need you to stay with us for a very, very long time.
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March 17, 2011
I know now when I will get to see Thing 3 for the first time. My NT scan is booked for May 9th. I talked to my doctor twice today. She has gotten me into a study that a perinatologist in the city is doing on fetal heart scans. They are doing early scans (either before 10 weeks or between 10-13 weeks) and then the standard 20 week scans to see if what they thought they saw at the early scan is really how the baby's heart developed. We are not worried about Thing 3's heart specifically but it is a way for me to get a couple extra scans. (Most OB's here do not have U/S in their offices so we don't get scans at regular appointments.) I do hope that I get picked for the less than 10 week group so I can know that Thing 3 really is in there and doing okay.
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Just over 2 weeks ago, D and I were at home when she said something strange to me. We must have been talking about babies, because I was getting ready to take her to see her cousin K that weekend. I don't know what I said to her, but she said something like "...but you have a 3 or 4 year old baby inside you now, Mommy." Now D is 3 herself and I know she doesn't quite get the concept of time yet, so I want to believe she meant days instead of years. Which means that D "knew" I was pregnant before I knew, before I could have even taken a test. I know it doesn't mean anything to anyone but me, but I like the idea that somehow D "knows" that she has another brother or sister. Now if only she could predict whether or not they will come home to live with us next fall.
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March 19, 2011
I started reading all the rainbow baby blogs and went back to reading the blogs of the pregnant DBM's again this week. Reading about everyone else's pregnancy doesn't make me freak out or break down but I do still feel slightly jealous of everyone who doesn't have to wait until November to meet their babies (and that's if things go well). Of course, it is really upsetting to learn that another mama has lost her subsequent pregnancy. She was just a couple weeks a head of me and I was looking forward to going through this with her as she also had to wait nearly a year to get pregnant. I feel so awful for her and so scared for me, I don't know what I will do if I lose you Thing 3.
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March 22, 2011
It's an epidemic. So many mamas are losing their subsequent babies. These women have already suffered so much, why isn't there a limit to how much babyloss one family gets? How am I supposed to believe that Thing 3 is going to make it past next week let alone the next 8 months?
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March 24, 2011
I told my yoga for grief support class about Thing 3 last night. About how I was happy to finally be pregnant but so scared that things will not end well. The instructor was so nice and I know she will look out for me during class to make sure that I don't do anything that should be avoided during pregnancy. Very conveniently she is also trained pre-natal yoga instructor. I stayed after class to talk with her and learned that people who lose their partners want to yell at people who don't appreciate their boyfriends/girlfriends the same way DBM's want to yell parents who don't appreciate their pregnancies/children.
I also mentioned my brilliant idea (that of course popped into my head when I was supposed to be doing a mindlfullness exercise) of starting a pre-natal yoga class for moms who are pregnant after loss. She would be a great instructor having training in both yoga and grief support and while she lost her partner, not her child, she still gets "it". She seemed to like the idea and promised to think about it. I really would like to be able to take a pre-natal class where we could acknowledge that things don't always work out without scaring all the "normal" pregnant women.
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March 25, 2011
I started spotting today. It was old blood and just a little bit, but I am still terrified. I've NEVER spotted during either D's or Reid's pregnancies. I know there's nothing I can do except rest and try not to freak out. Hang in there, Thing 3.
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March 26, 2011
Lots of blood, for the last 12 hours straight. How can anyone survive this?
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March 28, 2011
It's amazing how fast you can get used to leaking blood. I've been walking around for three days now, leaking blood at an alarming, yet not medically significant rate. (Scary for a hoping to stay pregnant person but not in danger of hemorrhaging so there's no reason to sit in the ER for 8 hours.) Still no other strong symptoms so I don't know what to think has happened to Thing 3. I have an U/S appointment tomorrow at 10 am and I guess then I will know one way or the other.
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