8 days

I can't believe that C.S. has been here for 8 days already. We have been dealing with a minor case of jaundice so I have had to wake her and myself up for feedings around the clock. I hate having to do it but hopefully the jaundice will be gone soon and we can see how long she will sleep at night. She is a champion nurser (like her big sister) and there is plenty of milk for her (and probably a couple more babies too), but I have forgotten how much mental energy breastfeeding takes. I could write a whole post about aching boobs and nipples but I will spare you that, for now.

Physically, I seem to be healing okay, but I haven't tried going without the good painkillers yet. I keep trying to compare how I feel to after my previous c-sections, but D's was too long ago and the emotional devastation after Reid's definitely had an impact on the physical recovery. I very much want to get myself "back to normal" physically and having a hard time with the fact that only time and rest can do that. I have definitely had enough of patiently waiting for time to pass. Bed rest used up my limited stock of patience.


Emotionally, the ups and downs and swings in between are so intense right now. Missing Reid is so painful and so many of the happy things about C.S. are reminders of all that never was with Reid. My friends (the same few who have been here with me all along) and support group have been incredibly understanding about the sadness, but D.G. doesn't want to go there at all. He only wants to see the happiness that is C.S.

Having D.G. around full time is another adjustment we are making. He is taking advantage of the Canadian parental leave system and will be staying home with us for the next 6 months. It will be great for D and C.S. to have 2 parents around and it will be great for me to have time to heal completely and not have to take C.S. out into the cold to get D to her activities. (It's been close to -40°,where Celsius and Farenheit are the same, for the last few days so winter has finally set in.) However, the few days we have been home together have already shown that we will finally have to deal with all the issues that we have been avoiding while we were grieving and while I was pregnant. It's a scary prospect, but hopefully it will be good for our relationship to spend this much time together. At the very least with him home, I will still have time to read and write blog entries.

Speaking of which, I have to decide what to do with this blog now that Thing 3 has arrived. With her here, it is not really possible to separate her arrival/existence from Reid's. I love blogging and want to continue, but I also want to be able to blog about my whole life, not just missing my son. I don't want to lose contact with the babyloss blog community that has literally saved my life but I wonder how to make the transition to post-rainbow baby arrival that others seem to have done gracefully. Right now this is too much for my sleep deprived brain, but it has to be dealt with in the near future.